Mello, Matt

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Their time at the hotel is almost up. Meetings had been held, locations inspected, and everything was perched on the edge of being ready. But it wasn't quite, and Matt had, after all, insisted that Mello needed a break. A mental recovery period, as it were, to complement Matt's physical one. His back still hurts a bit, and there's a scar there, and when Mello's fingers brush over it his blood still runs cold. That should stop eventually, but it hasn't, yet.]

[That was the first problem with taking time off.]

[The second was, of course, the fact that Mello gets incredibly restless in a very short span of time, so any efforts in the name of relaxation are hopelessly wasted. And worse, it annoys him the way it always has, which leaves him feeling restless and irritable.]

[He takes a shower to calm his nerves but on the way out of the bathroom he pulls a towel over his head roughly, more to get the action over with than out of any real desire to get his hair dry. And he tries not to think about anything that might be happening outside of this room, with himself and Matt and the tv turned off so that he wouldn't end up compulsively watching the news again.]

[He leaves the towel draped around his neck as he heads straight to the nightstand and tugs the drawer open with a little grumble.]

Comments

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[Mello pauses as the door shuts and something scrapes across the bedside table, just out of his sight. Before he even lifts his head to look at Matt he knows what he'll see - of course Matt would figure it out without him even having to say anything. Of course.]

[And then he looks, and he sees the rosary swinging from Matt's hand, offered out to him. Immediately he feels a surge of... something, he's not sure what it is exactly, but it's not quite comfort, even while being comforting.]

[Still, he reaches over and takes the rosary, carefully, with his head bowed, and runs it through his fingers.]

That obvious?

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

It was to me.

[Matt watches Mello's fingers move over the beads, slim and pale and a little bit unsure. He points the remote at the television again, hits the power button, watches it flicker once before the screen goes black.]

Well. No one's going to miss that arsehole anyway.

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[He pulls the rosary slowly through his hands, stopping his fingers where appropriate (one, two, three) and continues even after the tv is switched off.]

[He'd been careful, but the truth was that it didn't matter if Matt, or anyone else, knew. In fact it might even bolster his reputation a little. And L...]

[If L knew, he would be disappointed, yes. Using Kira as a weapon for such a petty reason, for any reason, Mello couldn't see how he would be pleased with that. But it was done, and this disappointment would only be a drop in the bucket for him.]

It was necessary. He was too dangerous to leave alone.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

He was a git.

[Matt keeps his gaze on Mello for a long moment, and then laughs a tiny bit, quietly.]

Hey, don't stay away.

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Mello lifts his head slightly and stops pulling as soon as he sees Matt's face. After a few seconds, he lets out a soft laugh and moves closer, standing just at the edge of the bed with the rosary wrapped around his hands.]

I wasn't.

This isn't an invitation for you to get all pushy.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

I'm not.

[Matt rolls his eyes and reaches over, wrapping his fingers around Mello's wrist. It's absurdly thin, really. It can be difficult to believe such a thin man has so much fire, so much strength. He runs his fingers along the inside of Mello's wrist, slowly, almost idly.]

Anyway, it's...

[He wants to say "sweet," or "flattering." Something that acknowledges that he knows - knows why Mello did it, knows what it means. Because as convenient as it is to wipe out someone who knew too much, he knows Mello too well to believe that's where this started from.]

[But he doesn't say it. Instead, he tugs Mello's wrist, lightly at first, and then harder, leaving the words unsaid.]

[As for not getting pushy... well technically this is more pully, he decides as he gives Mello another, sharper tug.]

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[With a little grunt of resistance Mello lets himself get tugged, not quite grudgingly. The movement said enough about Matt's thoughts on the matter - he never minded things like this, even if he should. Never questioned.]

[After the little tug, Mello moves closer on his own, and then sits on the edge of the bed. Carefully he untwists the rosary from his fingers and holds it pressed between his palms, then looks up at Matt.]

[And grins slightly.]

You're a pain in the arse, you know that?

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

[Matt moves behind him, hugging him from behind lightly, chin resting on Mello's shoulder.]

Yeah, I heard something like that.

[He gives Mello a little squeeze]

But whatever. You've got to admit that wasn't pushy at all.

[With that, he turns his head a little, kissing the side of his neck. When he speaks again, his voice is low, muffled against Mello's skin.]

Sometimes, you've got to get shit done, I guess.

[He goes quiet after that.]

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[Mello lets his eyes close for a moment and leans his weight back against Matt, and the warmth begins to creep back into the room. In reality it's just Matt's arms around his middle, and Matt's breath on his neck and Matt just there, but it spreads slowly until it floods everything.]

[He tilts his head back a little and looks at the ceiling. No disappointment here.]

Sometimes. I'd prefer it if I didn't have to, but...

[But he did. And he might have felt satisfied by it, just a little.]

Sometimes drastic measures are called for.

[He turns his head a bit as if to look at Matt, although he can't really, from this position.]

It was a little pushy.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

I think you need to check your direction perception, mate. If I pushed you, you'd end up over there instead of over here.

[He motions vaguely away from the bed, and takes a deep breath. The smoke from his cigarette, still nestled between his fingers, drifts over Mello's shoulder and Matt inhales it, eyes closed, before holding it up, offering it to Mello. Well, he probably needs it more than Matt does, anyway.]

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Mello rolls his eyes even as he leans in to take a drag off of the offered cigarette, only lifting his hand up afterward to push it out of the way once he's finished.]

Right, now you're just being pedantic. Besides, you'd never shove me over there, prat.

[He exhales, letting the smoke twist around in front of him as it floats upward, and then looks down at the rosary resting in the palm of his hand, remembering how just a moment ago, Matt had handed it to him without comment, or judgment. How he'd known immediately.]

...hey, Matt.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

Hm?

[He crosses his arm over Mello's chest, above Mello's shoulder, and takes a drag.]

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Almost instinctively Mello rests his hand against Matt's arm, holding it in place. With his free hand he twists the beads of the rosary, running his thumb along the edge of the crucifix and staying silent for a long moment.]

[His voice is quiet when he continues, and it sounds a little thicker than normal.]

Don't let me turn into someone like Kira.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

[Matt presses his lips together, his eyes closed. For some reason, that... wasn't as surprising as it should be. It's not that he thinks Mello is in danger of being anything like that, not exactly. It's just that, well, it isn't surprising that he'd worry about, considering... everything.]

[Not that he'd ever show it.]

[Instead, he shakes his head a little, chin still on Mello's shoulder.]

Don't be barmy. That would never happen. Where did that even come from?

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Mello laughs softly before he can stop himself. Where did that come from? The idea had been there, waiting below the surface until the right moment to appear--]

Sometimes you've got to get shit done, hm? Kira thinks he's doing the right thing. It's perverse and unethical, but he's convinced it's right. That it's necessary. Someone like that will do anything to get the job done.

It's sort of like us, isn't it?

[And he stops then, and remembers the first time the concern surfaced, in a small room with the curtain drawn, and he hadn't thought of it before then but there were dark, sharp eyes watching him, and a story that frightened him, just a little.]

[Maybe Matt didn't think it would happen, but there were others who weren't so sure.]

He told me it was easy to be misled.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

[It takes a second to register what Mello said, and another split second to fully register that he has no idea what Mello is talking about - or more, who he's referring to. Maybe it's the comparison with Kira that's throwing him off (it's not wrong, but it still... well. He wants it to be wrong, if only for Mello's sake.) Maybe it's the... well he doesn't know what it is.]

[But once he registers it, he opens one eye and peers at Mello - or more, the veil of his hair - inhaling cigarette smoke and the scent of shampoo.]

What are you talking about?

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Mello presses his lips together for a moment. He'd never been explicitly asked not to tell anyone about that meeting (come to that, L had never been explicit about anything regarding the meeting) but it doesn't seem to matter now.]

[And he wants to tell, just this one time.]

[He rubs his face a bit, pushing his hair back - it's nearly dry now, but still a bit messy.]

Right. Remember that story I told you, about the successor who tried to challenge L? The one from LA. That wasn't a case file or anything. I heard it from the source. L told me.

[Mello pauses, then turns his head enough to look at Matt, at his expression.]

In person, I mean. I met him.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

[...]

[That, he definitely didn't expect. But as soon as the words come out, a million little puzzle pieces snap into place one at a time, at superspeed. One thing after another, explained until, in the end, it leaves one gaping hole of a question where a thousand tiny gaps had been.]

[Why?]

[It doesn't take long to answer that, either. He told me it was easy to be misled. Matt narrows his eyes slightly. Don't let me turn into someone like Kira. A... warning? A worry.]

[Matt snaps his gaze back to Mello's face, just the little bit visible from this angle.]

[He looks, but stays quiet, waiting.]

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Matt's distinct lack of response is an odd comfort. Most of the others would likely have immediately begun asking inane questions or generally acted annoying, but Matt's silence, and what he can see from the look on his face, tells Mello how much he's already pieced together.]

[Mello doesn't turn his face away, but he looks downward as he continues.]

He never gave a real reason why, but he didn't have to. It was one of the stories he told me. He didn't want there to be any more failures. The first one died. B was the second.

[He closes his eyes briefly, going over the meeting again in his mind. L was cautious enough to speak to him directly; that was good and bad. And how had he been since then?]

I understood why B wanted to fight him. That's why I couldn't fall into that trap too.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

[One of the stories. Interesting - then there was more than one. Matt takes another drag across Mello's shoulder, his own wound aching in response to the movement.]

[Technically, Mello hadn't fallen into the same trap, had he? He'd withdrawn from the competition rather than following it off a cliff, although that brought to mind another question, namely why L would drag him back into it after all this time.]

[But no, that question isn't really open, is it? because alone, Mello had gone a little crazy, crossed every possible line right down to beating someone to death in an alleyway only days after they left home. So, a lesser risk - at least this way, Mello would be under some kind of surveillance.]

[And hadn't L told him to make sure Mello didn't do anything stupid? That alone said... something. Matt takes a second drag and nods a little.]

You didn't.

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[For a moment Mello doesn't react, and then he tightens his hand into a fist around the rosary, which bites into his palm.]

I could have. He saw that. He wouldn't have spoken to me if he didn't.

[He looks at the floor, past his knees still wrapped in a towel, past his bare feet (and they look familiar, a little - he curls his toes under so they aren't anymore) at the carpet. And he recalls that distinct feeling that crept up his neck as he listened to L's story. Not just recognition, but understanding.]

I can't end up like that.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

[What had he told L, when he gave the order to keep Mello from doing anything crazy? That it was his life, anyway? And yes, frankly, it is.]

Hey. Hey.

[Matt squeezes his eyes closed again, and tightens his arms around Mello. It's a little weird, now that he thinks of it, being the one on the outside, holding Mello up. Although in a sense, he always has.]

You're not going to end up like that. You're better than that.

[He reaches his free hand up, pushing back Mello's hair.]

And anyway. I wouldn't let you even if you wanted to.

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Mello gives a short, soft laugh. It was almost like being back at the House again, before things got too complicated, and before either of them could have ever dreamed of ending up here. Maybe it's the memories - not quite nostalgia, exactly, but just the remembering.]

[He lets himself rest against Matt, holding onto his wrist with one hand, the rosary in the other. He closes his eyes and listens.]

[Is this what they'd come out here for?]

You'd better not.

[Mello turns slightly, to look at him.]

That means you really aren't allowed to get shot again, you know.

[toxinaddiction.livejournal.com]

Right, I don't think I've got any power over that one.

[After a moment, he moves a bit, and nips Mello's ear, gently.]

Mm. But I'll do my best.

...anyway, who's going to look after you if not me?

[He grins a little then, and threads his fingers through Mello's hair.]

[matchstickrule.livejournal.com]

[Slowly, a tiny smile forms on Mello's lips, and he tries not to think about what would happen if he had to make it out here alone.]

I don't need looking after.

[Not that he couldn't, of course, and never considered himself reliant, but... but, even so, something would be missing.]

[He pauses to continue his protest, and then twists around more and kisses him instead. It's a little awkward from this angle, but he hopes it'll drive the point home just the same.]